thank you, chicago

It has officially been a month since I moved to NYC and I have officially had enough Jameson to talk about the last few weeks.

It started out great - the excitement of a new city, a new desk and a new monotony not yet established. The first weekend I left the city to do my absolute favorite things - listen to live music, day drink and make friends. Then I drove back to the city with one of those said new friends. After dropping him off at the airport it felt like I woke up from a blackout. 

Where am I? How did I get here? What do I do next. 

Short answer to that last question: cry in your rental car until you figure life out hour by hour. That day and the following few weeks following, small inconveniences turned into crises. It was so easy to convince myself that I made the wrong decision moving here and that I would never find an apartment and would go bankrupt due to my airbnb bills - for example.

The truth is - I have always felt a sense of security in Chicago. Don't get me wrong. Bad things have happened and life has been uncertain, but at the end of the day I knew I could make a phone call or two and feel the warmth of my built in security blankets of my family and friends. Geographically removing myself from that network has changed how I feel, but it hasn't changed reality. I know that I can make a few calls and will feel better in a few minutes. And in truly bad situations I have plenty of people that have the time, money and resources to fly the quick 700 miles to NYC and words can't communicate my gratitude for that, but it is an adjustment. 

In Chicago I lived without a care in the world. I felt truly invincible. I had very few fears and all were not backed by any logic - *thanks anxiety*. That was such a big part of who I am, but I am only now just realizing that my support system made me into that person. How do I continue to act as if my entire life is within a 30 minute drive? I guess that was really why I came out here. I wanted to become independent. I just didn't know how much of what made me, "me" should be attributed to those surrounding me. I took all the credit. As if my own choices and actions led me to this life of leisure and adventure. 

What I want to say, now that I've figured that out, is thank you to my Chicago friends and family for giving me the freedom and security to take risks. Now it is time to find security in my self that allows me to continue to take risks that lead to memories. 

Cheers to these new memories yet to be made, but are planned for me!